Alone in the recital hall

The stage of Mixon Recital Hall at the Cleveland Institute of Music is a beautiful place to be on a sunny Sunday morning in early June. An impossibly high glass wall rises behind you and wraps around to your left before giving way to beautiful square panels consisting of small thin strips of wood that are no doubt a function of acoustic design but exaggerate the height of the hall. You are surrounded by light and sky and trees. In front of you, fourteen rows of seats rise steeply to the back of the auditorium. In a few hours those seats will be occupied by the twenty or so listeners there to observe Jason Vieaux’s master class in which I and others will perform. And not long after that, a much larger audience will fill those seats for what will turn out to be the brilliant closing concert of this year’s Cleveland International Classical Guitar Festival, given by Petra Poláčková.

But the seats are all empty now.

On the stage is a single black piano bench. It’s not the flat hard wooden kind, but the smaller cushioned version with a knob on the side that adjusts the height.

I give the knob a turn, getting the height just so. One last tweak to the tuning of my lowest string, and I begin to play.

The first note of the prelude to Bach’s first suite for solo cello—in the guitar version I play—is a low D. Its rich sonority comes back to me from the hall and I linger longer than I should before proceeding with the arpeggio figure that carries the music forward. I haven’t played the piece in some time, but Jason played it on this very spot last evening and somehow it is the first music that comes out of me. It flows, my fingers sure and my sound rich. Mixon Hall is as gratifying to the performer as it is to the audience; not every hall provides the player with such sonic feedback. I can hear my playing, and I can hear that it is good. Hearing such good playing, I’m inspired to try and make it even a little better. And I do. I push harder into the strings, coaxing the most sound I can from them without letting the tone become too brittle or rough.

The last high treble notes ring for a moment before fading to silence, and then I launch into a set of pieces from the Italian Renaissance. My time in the hall will be short, so I don’t play each piece all the way through but skip between favorite bits that I want to hear in this space. Still with my lowest string tuned to D, I play a Catalonian song that has been in my repertoire since I was in college. Today I am doing a particularly nice job of singing the melody on the high E string, and when the harmonics come in at the conclusion they ring out like the tiny little bells they are meant to suggest.

Now I tune my low string up to the standard E, adjust my position on the bench, and begin the piece I had planned to play on today’s master class: Nocturno by Federico Moreno-Torroba. It starts well, and I don’t fumble in the usual spots. Perhaps I should play it after all instead of making the change I’ve been contemplating? It has some nice fiery passages, and the ending is really fun to play. I enjoy imagining the effect it must have on someone hearing it for the very first time. I consider the idea as I listen to the final notes fade.

No, I am going to stick to my plan. Who knows if or when I will ever have another chance to play on this stage for an audience? Nocturno is a wonderful piece and I am pretty well prepared to play it, but I know that nerves will take hold, my sound will become thin, and I will begin to concentrate on playing it correctly rather than playing it musically. Today I want to make music and share it with people.

So I begin to play what I have decided only this morning to play, a little piece called “If You Were Here” by a Norwegian guitarist-composer named Per-Olov Kindgren. It’s a wisp of a thing in the character of a pop song, but lovely over the whole two-and-a-half minutes it takes to play. I get to the last repetition of the recurring phrase—in my head, I can almost hear a singer lingering over “if you were here”—play the last slow ascending arpeggio and just touch the flesh of my thumb to the sixth string to sound the final low E.

Suddenly, a small sob rises up from my gut. Then another. My eyes fill. For a moment I can only sit there. I just recover my composure before Colin Davin walks out on the stage from the side door, guitar case over his shoulder and a quizzical look on his face. I am sure he is wondering how I come to be there.

How do I come to be there? And why those tears?

Over the weeks since that sunny June morning I have been asking myself those questions. The answer to the first can probably be teased out of what I have already written over the course of the last few months, or what is still to be written. But the answer to the second continues to elude me. Somehow, I think it might be what this Chaconne project is ultimately all about.